How do I get into the Thieves Guild in Oblivion?
Step 1: Embrace Your Inner Klepto (But With Standards)
Forget noble quests—this is a job interview where “stealing someone’s cabbage” counts as a resume bullet. To catch the Thieves Guild’s eye, you’ll need to commit 5+ crimes (pickpocket, burglary, etc.) and then chat up a city guard. If they mutter *“I’ve heard reports of your… activities”*, congrats! You’re now “eligible” for a shady LinkedIn message from a beggar.
Step 2: Befriend the Most Honest People in Town (Yes, the Beggars)
Every city’s resident beggar holds the keys to the guild—literally. Bribe them with 1 gold (they’ll call it a “donation”) and ask about gossip. If they mention the Gray Fox, sprint to the nearest waterfront or tavern cellar like you’re late for a heist-themed bake sale. Pro tip: If a rat offers you a side quest, maybe decline.
Step 3: Pretend You’re Not Here to Steal the Silverware
Once inside the secret meeting spot, Arquen (a woman whose vibe screams “dark mom friend”) will grill you. Agree to her terms, swear loyalty to the Gray Fox, and don’t ask why his helmet looks like a cursed soup pot. Complete your first job—usually stealing something deeply important, like a fork—and voilà! You’re in.
Key reminders:
- Your moral compass? Lock it in a chest.
- If the guards catch you, blame it on the skooma.
- The Gray Fox’s identity is a mystery. No, seriously, don’t Google it.
Now go forth, pad those pockets, and remember: in the Thieves Guild, “sharing” is just stealing with extra steps.
Should I join the Thieves Guild in Oblivion?
Pros of Joining: Because Honesty is Overrated, Anyway
Let’s face it: in a world where dragons occasionally pop in for tea and Daedric Princes treat mortals like chess pieces, stealing a fancy spoon from a paranoid noble suddenly feels refreshingly low-stakes. The Thieves Guild offers a crash course in chaos, complete with lockpicking minigames, questionable life choices, and the thrill of hearing “Stop right there, criminal scum!” as your personal anthem. Plus, you’ll nab the legendary Gray Cowl, which lets you commit crimes *and* blame them on a nonexistent alter ego. Truly, the pinnacle of adulting.
Cons of Joining: The Guilt (Or Lack Thereof)
Sure, you might lose a few Karma Points™ with your paladin cosplay character, but who needs divine favor when you’ve got a sack full of stolen sweetrolls? The real downside? Explaining to your horse that “borrowing” every unattended wheel of cheese in Cyrodiil is technically a public service. Also, guards will relentlessly judge you, even though they clearly can’t tell the difference between your face and the Gray Fox’s mysterious void mask.
- Benefits: Infinite lockpicks, a secret hideout that’s probably not haunted (lie), and a guild leader who’s *definitely* not hiding anything suspicious under that cowl.
- Drawbacks: You’ll spend 80% of your time sneaking, 15% reloading saves after getting caught mid-heist, and 5% wondering why the Gray Fox can’t just invest in a decent facial moisturizer.
But Wait—Do You Even Have a Choice?
Let’s be real: Oblivion’s Thieves Guild isn’t a “should I?” question. It’s a “when?” inevitability. Your destiny was written the moment you pocketed that first watermelon from the Market District. Embrace the absurdity. After all, if the world’s going to end, wouldn’t you rather face it with a pockets full of stolen gems and a membership card that says, “Professional Menace to Society”?
How do I join the Assassins guild in Oblivion?
So, you’ve decided to pivot from “law-abiding citizen” to “professional stab enthusiast” in Cyrodiil? Excellent career choice! The Dark Brotherhood (Oblivion’s premier murder collective) doesn’t exactly post job listings on tavern bulletin boards. No, their hiring process involves less “send us your resume” and more “spill someone’s blood… accidentally-on-purpose.” Let’s dive into this totally normal, not-at-all-suspicious onboarding process.
Step 1: Commit Casual Homicide (But Make It Fashionable)
First, you’ll need to murder someone. Anyone. A beggar, a guard, your neighbor’s prized cow—whatever scratches your existential itch. The key is to get a “Your Crime Has Been Witnessed” notification. Then, wait for a shadowy figure to whisper-scream “WE KNOW” into your soul. Congrats! You’ve passed the vibe check. Now, just sleep anywhere (inn bed, haystack, dragon statue—priorities matter).
Step 2: Take a Nap (Yes, Really)
Sleeping triggers Oblivion’s weirdest Airbnb experience: waking up in a dimly lit shack with a hooded stranger vibing like a goth dad. This is Lucien Lachance, your new BFF (Best Friend who Favors flaying). He’ll congratulate you on your “initiative” and assign a “test” involving more murder. Pro tip:
- Don’t ask about dental plans.
- Do nod solemnly. (He’s into that.)
Step 3: Pass the ‘Totally Normal’ Initiation Test
Your first assignment? Kill a random NPC who definitely had it coming (trust the process). Return to the shack, and voilà—you’re handed a Black Hand brand, a dagger, and lifetime membership to a guild that communicates via creepy notes left on corpses. Bonus: You’ll meet colleagues like Vicente Valtieri, the vampire who probably runs the HR department. Spoiler: There is no HR department.
And there you go! You’re now certified to lurk in shadows, whisper “Sithis” ominously, and confuse villagers with your sudden interest in fruit-themed assassination puns. Just remember: business cards are optional, but hiding bodies is mandatory.
What are the rules for the Thieves Guild in Oblivion?
Ah, the Thieves Guild. The only workplace where “steal everything that isn’t nailed down” is considered a reasonable job description. But even chaotic-neutral kleptomaniacs need structure! Here’s the unofficial employee handbook for Cyrodiil’s premier “acquisition specialists,” where the rules are more like… loose suggestions wrapped in sarcasm.
Rule 1: No Killing (Unless You *Really* Want to Annoy Everyone)
The Guild’s #1 unbreakable law is simple: don’t murder your way to profit. Stab a guard? Expect a sternly worded lecture from Methredhel. Accidentally drop a cheese wheel on someone’s head? Probably fine. The Guild wants your thefts clean, quiet, and *boringly non-lethal*. Think of it as a “no cilantro” policy—violate it, and the entire faction side-eyes you like you’ve cursed their ancestors.
Rule 2: Pay Your “Fees” (a.k.a. Bribes With Extra Steps)
Got caught? Congrats! Now hand over 10% of your stolen loot to the Guild’s “administrative fund.” It’s like a subscription service, except instead of Netflix, you’re paying for:
- Guards suddenly forgetting your face
- Merchants “voluntarily” buying your hot spoons
- The privilege of pretending this is a legit business
Rule 3: Fences Aren’t Just for Lawns Anymore
You can’t just sell stolen goods to any old peasant with a coin purse. The Guild provides exclusive fences—because nothing says “professional crime” like a secret network of shopkeepers who’ve mastered the art of not asking questions. Pro tip: If your fence suddenly develops amnesia about your 37th stolen paintbrush, just smile and back away slowly.
Rule 4: Promotions Require Theatrical Flair
Want to climb the ranks? Simply steal very specific things from very specific people, because the Guild loves a themed to-do list. Need a rare book? A literal king’s armor? A literal *literal* literal? It’s less about the loot and more about proving you’ll commit to the bit. Consider it corporate team-building, but with more lockpicks and existential dread.
And remember: the Gray Fox’s identity is a secret. Unless you’re into breaking the Fourth Wall, in which case—hi, player character! Don’t worry, the Guild’s HR department (read: a shadowy figure in a cellar) will handle the paperwork.
