Houston Texans Depth Chart 2023: Analyzing the Latest Roster Updates and Position Battles
Quarterback Carousel: Mills vs. Stroud (vs. Fate?)
The Texans’ QB room is currently a cosmic joke the football gods forgot to explain. Davis Mills, the Human “Wait, Maybe This Time?” Experiment, is back, but now he’s sharing oxygen with C.J. Stroud, a rookie who probably still has moving boxes in his apartment. Will Mills channel his inner “Week 1-4 Davis” (good) or “Week 5-17 Davis” (*yikes*)? Will Stroud’s college highlights translate to Houston, where the offensive line’s idea of “protection” is letting him pick his own flavor of Gatorade after getting sacked? DeMeco Ryans is watching this battle like a parent deciding which kid gets the last slice of pizza.
Running Backs: Dameon Pierce and the Quest for a Sidekick
Dameon Pierce isn’t just the starting RB—he’s the entire personality of the backfield. The man runs like he’s late for a haircut appointment. But behind him? It’s a Hunger Games reenactment. Dare Ogunbowale (special teams Swiss Army knife), Mike Boone (speed demon with a name fit for a detective drama), and Xazavian Valladay (the preseason hype train conductor) are fighting for scraps. The real question: Who gets to hold Pierce’s imaginary crown during timeouts?
Wide Receiver Wars: Reality TV, But With More Cleats
The Texans’ WR corps is a mix of comeback stories and “wait, *that guy* is here?” energy:
- Nico Collins: Tall. Fast. Occasionally visible to the naked eye.
- John Metchie III: Back after beating cancer, ready to beat cornerbacks.
- Robert Woods: The “veteran presence” who may or may not be teaching everyone how to knit mid-play.
The battle for WR1 is less about stats and more about who can stay upright long enough to high-five the QB.
Defensive Line: Where Chaos is a Job Requirement
Houston’s D-line is auditioning for a reboot of *The Expendables*. Will Anderson Jr., the rookie who eats quarterbacks for brunch, is already the fan favorite. Then there’s Jerry Hughes, who’s older than some stadiums but still sack-hunting like it’s 2013. Position battles here are decided by who can dislocate the most offensive linemen’s shoulders before lunch. Pro tip: Bring a helmet. And a lawyer.
Breaking Down the Houston Texans Depth Chart: Key Strengths, Weaknesses, and Impact Players to Watch
The Good, The Bad, and The “Wait, That’s a Professional Athlete?”
Let’s start with the strengths, because optimism is cheaper than therapy. The Texans’ offense is piloted by C.J. Stroud, who throws spirals so tight they could double as DNA helixes. His receiving corps? Nico Collins and Tank Dell are less “wide receivers” and more “human cheat codes,” with Dell’s 4.3-speed turning corners into confused statues. The defense? Will Anderson Jr. hunts quarterbacks like they owe him cryptocurrency, and Derek Stingley Jr. covers receivers with the tenacity of a cat guarding a sunbeam.
Weaknesses: When Life Gives You Lemons, Make a Lemonade Stand (Then Watch It Collapse)
But oh, the weaknesses. Houston’s offensive line sometimes blocks like overcooked noodles, leaving Stroud to impersonate a dystopian parkour protagonist. The running back room? Dameon Pierce is a bulldozer with ballet shoes, but after him, the depth chart reads like a “missing persons” bulletin. The secondary’s backups? Let’s just say if coverage were a math test, they’d be holding calculators upside down.
Impact Players to Watch (Or Stalk, No Judgment)
- Derek Barnett: The Eagles castoff now chases QBs in Houston with the energy of someone who just discovered caffeine.
- Dalton Schultz: A tight end who catches passes and deflects existential dread—a true Renaissance man.
- Joe Mixon: Newly acquired, he’s here to turn “3rd & Long” into “3rd & *Why Not?*”
Special Teams: The Chaos Department
Shoutout to Kaʻimi Fairbairn, the kicker whose leg is 50% titanium, 50% “Icelandic volcano magic.” Meanwhile, the punt return unit operates on pure chaos theory—sometimes brilliant, sometimes resembling squirrels herding a Roomba. Keep your popcorn (and Xanax) handy.
