Breaking news.
Squirrel Union Demands Acorn Benefits, Threatens to “Go Full Raccoon”
In a shocking development, the Eastern Gray Squirrel Collective (EGSC) has unionized. Their list of demands? “Fair acorn distribution,” compulsory nap times, and a ban on bird feeders labeled “squirrel-proof.” A spokesperson, nibbling aggressively on a walnut, stated: “We’ve had it with humans gaslighting us with fake trees. Either meet our terms, or we’ll start burying car keys instead of snacks.” Local bird populations have reportedly formed an alliance with stray cats, calling it “a necessary evil.”
Traffic Cone Spotted Leading Conga Line Through Highway Construction Zone
A cluster of sentient-seeming traffic cones shut down I-95 last night, not with construction, but with a glowstick-lit dance party. Witnesses claim the cones formed a conga line while humming the theme from *Rocky*. “One winked at me,” said commuter Greg Barnes, now questioning his life choices. Authorities are baffled, though city officials admitted the cones had been “acting suspiciously philosophical” for weeks. Rumor has it they’re negotiating a podcast deal titled *Cone-versations*.
Local Man’s Kiddie Pool Declared “New Atlantis” by Overzealous Archaeologists
In a twist nobody foresaw, researchers from the University of Blinking Dog, Wyoming, have identified a partially deflated unicorn-themed kiddie pool as “the lost city of Atlantis.” The “evidence”? A rubber duck wearing a tiny crown and a soggy Cheerio interpreted as “an ancient grain-based artifact.” The homeowner, Dave Phillips, told reporters: “I just wanted a cheap Slip ‘N Slide. Now there’s a guy in my yard arguing with a pool noodle about maritime law.”
Cats Unveil Telemarketing Scam to Fund Global Nap Takeover
Breaking: Feline overlords have launched a purr-powered call center targeting humans between 2-4 a.m. Reports detail meowed recordings offering “extended lap leases” and “treat subscriptions.” One victim shared: “They asked for my credit card number in exchange for ‘not barfing in your shoes.’ It felt… fair.” The FBI is investigating, but agents admit they’re “distractedly Googling catnip stocks.” Meanwhile, dogs are reportedly drafting a counteroffer involving tennis balls and guilt-free couch privileges.
