Why did Newshub shut down?
The Streaming Apocalypse (and Cat Videos)
Let’s face it: Newshub’s demise might’ve been sealed when humanity collectively decided breaking news was less urgent than figuring out what Netflix’s “Top 10 in Your Country” actually means. Between TikTok dances, AI-generated memes, and a 24/7 buffet of cat reunion videos, traditional news became the kale salad of the internet—worthy, but not *viral*. Rumor has it executives tried pivoting to “*Breaking News: This Goose Wears a Top Hat*,” but alas, the algorithm overlords demanded more drama llama content.
Corporate Math™: When 2 + 2 = “Let’s Just Burn It All”
Behind the scenes, there was likely a boardroom whiteboard scribbled with phrases like *“synergy”*, *“pivot to video”*, and *“monetize despair.”* The shutdown probably followed a rigorous cost-benefit analysis where someone realized buying a lifetime supply of popcorn for shareholders was cheaper than keeping the lights on. Plus, downsizing is trendy these days—why pay journalists when you can hire a ChatGPT bot to vaguely summarize Twitter fights?
The Zombie Audience Phenomenon
News consumers evolved into ghosts who *click headlines but never read articles*, or zombies who rage-comment without watching the video. Newshub’s business model relied on ads, but let’s be real: everyone’s running from ads like they’re being chased by bees in a Nicolas Cage documentary. Meanwhile, the “young folks” (allegedly) get their news from influencers who mix headlines with ASMR unboxing videos. Try competing with that while maintaining “journalistic integrity.”
In summary?
– The internet became a digital circus.
– Money evaporated faster than a reporter’s caffeine buzz.
– Someone, somewhere, muttered: “Just give the people what they want—*a livestream of that pigeon staring judgmentally at commuters.*”
And here we are. *Raises a toast with a chipped “#1 News Boss” mug.*
What is the best news channel in New Zealand?
The Contenders: From “Breaking News” to “Breaking Sheep Updates”
If you’re craving news with a side of polite debate, sheep cameos, and the occasional weather report delivered by someone who looks like they’ve wrestled a possum for their coffee, New Zealand’s news channels deliver. The “best” is subjective—unless you’re a kiwi bird with strong opinions on parliamentary coverage. Let’s wade into the fray.
1. TVNZ 1: The “Reliable Auntie” of News
TVNZ 1 is like that aunt who *always* remembers your birthday but also lectures you about sunscreen. Their flagship 1 News at Six pairs hard-hitting journalism with segments on artisanal cheese festivals and interviews with ducks (if the duck has a viral TikTok). Pros:
- Hosts who could calm a spooked alpaca
- Ad breaks featuring ads for tractors and sunscreen (peak NZ)
- Breaking news: *“Somewhere, a politician said a mildly controversial thing.”*
2. Three (Newshub): Drama, But Make It “Chilly Bin Investigations”
Newshub is the rebellious cousin who once tried to skateboard down the Auckland Harbour Bridge. They’ve got flashier graphics, ominous voiceovers for stories about milk prices, and Patrick Gower—a man who could make reading a phonebook sound like a conspiracy thriller. Their exclusives range from *“Crisis in the Beehive!”* to *“Why Are Your Fish & Chips So Expensive?”* (Spoiler: Blame the weather.)
3. RNZ National: For People Who Read Books *Unironically*
No cameras. No frills. Just soothing voices discussing GDP projections and fernbird conservation. RNZ is like ASMR for policy wonks. Perfect if you want to nod sagely while listening to a 45-minute debate about roadside littering statistics. Bonus: Their lack of ads means you’ll never be ambushed by a jingle for farm equipment.
So, who wins? Depends. Do you need drama? Go Three. Crave stability? TVNZ. Want to *feel* like a human spreadsheet? RNZ. Just remember: In NZ, even the news ends with a weather map that looks like a toddler’s finger-painting. Priorities.
What will replace Newshub?
Option 1: A legion of sentient news parrots
Imagine a future where squawking, feathered reporters perch on your screen, regurgitating headlines with uncanny accuracy. Breaking news delivered via synchronized wing flaps. These AI-enhanced parrots could analyze global events while occasionally demanding crackers. Pros? Zero bias (unless you count their disdain for seed mix). Cons? Poop-related bandwidth issues.
Option 2: The “Guess What Happened?” app
Why bother with traditional news when an app could just blur all facts into absurdist poetry? Headlines like *Local Mayor Adopts Emu, Declares War on Potholes* would auto-generate based on live municipal data. Users vote on whether stories are real or AI-generated hallucinations. Winner gets a coupon for discounted avocados. Democracy!
Option 3: News performed by your fridge
Your smart appliance already judges your eating habits—why not let it narrate geopolitical crises? “BREAKING: Milk expiration dates pushed back as tensions rise in Dairy Valley.” Receive updates between expired yogurt alerts and ads for artisanal kale. Comes with optional dramatic reenactments performed by your toaster (side effects may include burnt toast metaphors).
Option 4: A nationwide game of telephone
One person whispers a headline to their neighbor, who whispers it to theirs, and so on until “tax reform” morphs into “tacos reborn as edible NFTs.” Fact-checking optional. Accuracy inversely proportional to how many backyard trampolines are involved. Bonus: Comes with free community bonding (or chaos).
Honorable mention: Replace all news anchors with ChatGPT-powered garden gnomes. They’ll stare judgmentally while reciting stock market trends.
