What can I eat on the human being diet?
Congratulations, brave soul! You’ve committed to the only diet where the grocery list is “whatever doesn’t sprint away.” The human being diet is delightfully low in rules but high in existential questions like, “Is this mold or a seasoning?” Let’s dig into the buffet of socially acceptable chaos.
Your Friends’ Leftovers: A Love Story
Why meal prep when you can scavenge? The human being diet thrives on half-eaten pizza slices from roommates, cryptic Tupperware in office fridges, and that lone chicken nugget your toddler yeeted under the couch. Pro tip: if it doesn’t glow, it’s probably fine. Bonus nutrients: guilt (rich in vitamin G).
Protein? Just Redefine “Protein”
- House spiders (free-range, organic, and alarmingly fast).
- Regret (serving size: one midnight spiral).
- Ambiguous gas station jerky (45% meat, 55% “where’s the nearest bathroom?”).
Remember, if it once had a face or vaguely resembles something that did, you’re nailing adulthood.
Snacks: Air and Existential Dread
Crunch into the crisp emptiness of hopes (lightly salted), or savor the complex notes of crushing self-doubt (now with 20% more marinara!). For dessert, enjoy a refreshing swirl of “I’ll start eating better tomorrow” sorbet. Zero calories, infinite emotional baggage.
Beverage pairing: Office coffee (toxic sludge) or tears (harvested fresh during Zoom calls). Add glitter for ✨bougie survival✨. Bon appétit, or whatever!
What are the 10 rules of the HBD diet?
Rule 1: Worship the Whole Food Pantheon (or at least pretend to)
The HBD diet demands you bow to the unprocessed, unplugged, and unrepentantly whole. Think fruits, veggies, meats, and nuts—anything your great-great-great-grandma might’ve side-eyed as “modern witchcraft” (looking at you, avocado toast). If it comes in a neon package with a cartoon mascot, it’s probably culinary heresy.
Rule 2: Processed Foods Are Your Frenemy (mostly enemy)
Avoid anything with an ingredient list longer than a Shakespearean soliloquy. If it’s been “enriched,” “fortified,” or “zapped into existence by a lab-coated wizard,” toss it. The HBD diet believes in food, not science fair projects.
Rule 3: Chew Like a Sloth Hosting a TED Talk
Slow. Down. Eating at warp speed? That’s a rookie move. The HBD diet insists you masticate with intent—think “mindful chewing” or “giving your stomach a heads-up.” Bonus points if you annoy your tablemates with the sound of your deliberate crunching.
Rules 4-7: The Holy Quartet
- Prioritize protein: Channel your inner squirrel. Store nuts, gnaw on grilled chicken, or *negotiate with a toddler* for their leftover meatballs.
- Hydrate or deteriorate: Water is your lifeline. If you’re not peeing hourly, are you even alive? (Note: consult your bladder before committing.)
- Sleep > Late-night snacks: Midnight fridge raids are forbidden. The HBD diet recommends dreaming of kale instead.
- Carbs aren’t the devil (but timing is): Eat them earlier than a ’90s sitcom laugh track. Sweet potatoes at dawn? Bold choice.
Rules 8-10: The Absurd(ly Specific) Grand Finale
- Fiber is your fairy godmother: If you’re not eating enough, expect your digestive system to write you a strongly worded letter.
- Portion control ≠ deprivation: Use a salad plate. Pretend it’s a buffet. Repeat until you believe it.
- Consistency beats chaos: Stick to the plan unless confronted by sentient birthday cake. (We’re flexible. Mostly.)
And there you have it—the HBD diet’s 10 commandments, delivered with the solemnity of a tap-dancing broccoli stalk. Now go forth, chew slowly, and may your snacks be ever unprocessed.
Can you eat eggs on the human being diet?
Well, let’s crack into this. Eggs, those oval-shaped enigmas, have been rolling around human diets for roughly 6 million years. Unless you’re a T-rex with a brunch craving, the answer is a resounding “yes, but also… why are eggs like this?” They’re nature’s pre-packaged protein snack, complete with their own biodegradable container. Just don’t mistake them for golf balls. Or do. We’re not here to judge your life choices.
Eggs: The Original Mystery Meat (But Not Meat)
Here’s where things get weird. Eggs aren’t dairy, veggies, or classified as “tiny poultry grenades” (yet). They’re… eggs. A culinary loophole! Science says they’re perfect for breakfast, lunch, or that 3 a.m. existential omelet. But beware: chickens lay these things daily. What’s their secret? Are they tiny robot factories? The world may never egg-splain.
Reasons Humans and Eggs Coexist (Besides Obvious Omelet Allegiances)
- Versatility: Boil ’em, fry ’em, scramble ’em into a sentient cloud. Eggs are the Shakespeare of food—excellent at drama and adaptable.
- Nutritional Plot Twist: They contain choline, a nutrient that sounds like a sci-fi gas but actually helps your brain not forget where you left your keys.
- They’d Survive the Apocalypse: Ever seen an egg expire? It’s like a horror movie. But fresh ones? Basically edible immortality pods.
Of course, eggs have hatched some controversy. Some folks avoid them because they’re allergic, vegan, or terrified of yolk viscosity. To those people: fair. For everyone else? Enjoy your edible science experiment. Just remember—always cook dinosaur eggs (ostrich) responsibly. And maybe don’t eat the shell. Unless you’re into that. Again, no judgment.
Can you eat nuts on the human being diet?
Short answer: Yes, unless you’ve mistaken yourself for a walnut-hating squirrel in a past life. Humans, unlike certain rodents or birds, don’t need to bury nuts in the backyard for winter survival (though no judgment if you do). Nuts are, in fact, a crunchy, nutrient-packed loophole in the “human being diet” rulebook. Just don’t try to pay your taxes with them. The IRS prefers cash.
The Great Nut Conspiracy: Are They Even Food?
Nuts have existed longer than the concept of diets, which explains why they’re masters of disguise. Almonds pose as milk. Cashews impersonate cheese. Peanuts… well, they’re actually legumes, but they crash the nut party anyway. Science says nuts are edible, but your jaw might argue after 47 almonds. Pro tip: Chewing is mandatory. Swallowing them whole is how you accidentally plant a tree in your stomach.
How to Eat Nuts Without Joining a Squirrel Gang
- Portion control: A handful = human snack. Five handfuls = suspicious behavior. You’re not stockpiling for hibernation.
- Diversify: Mix nuts with non-nut items, like “salad” or “yogurt,” to maintain societal acceptance.
- Avoid acorns: Leave those for the squirrels. And Shakespearean-era peasants.
Fun fact: Nuts are a gateway snack. First, it’s “just a few pistachios.” Next thing you know, you’re elbow-deep in a Costco-sized tub of mixed nuts, questioning life choices. Moderation is key—unless you’re training for a nut-spitting contest. Then, by all means, go nuts.
